Look, officer, I was going to stay out of this, but after watching CNN and seeing the kind of pekelemes preparations for Prince William's wedding, I can't stay out of this matter anymore. From all indications, it seems you British people think a royal wedding should be like that of a Nigeria Railway junior staff's marriage. Therefore, I am applying for visas for the best wedding planners in Lagos. I am sure you have been around long enough in Nigeria to see how weddings are conducted here. We want your people to have a taste of that.
We will bring Lagos high life to London and shake whatever cold off your bodies, and throw summer colours into your sombre hued London Fog coats. All of these people applying for visas today are owanbe specialists. It's a pity you are going to be in Lagos while we are leaving a taste of a lifetime in your palace dwellers' palates.
Here are the applicants, please:
Mama Tunde - she is locally known as the aso-ebi queen. Let's assume you sneeze right now, instead of her to say "bless you" and offer you a hankie, right under your nose she would sew and sell aso-ebi (uniform) for the entire embassy staff, gate men, security guards and other visa applicants just to tell you "e pele o, e pele o". Mama Tunde knows every textile mill in Sub-Saharan Africa and by the time she is done donning ankara, damask, tie and dye, etc on white wedding attendants, you would think you were in a Yinka Shonibare art opening at the Smithsonian, instead of a royal wedding.
Aunty Titilayo - she is our souvenir baroness. If you want to know the meaning of ‘branding', check her out first. She will brand everything under the sun for William's wedding. Name it: from Raleigh bicycles to Mini Coopers, office chairs, jacuzzis, shower curtains and pure water. If you need branded babies (just in case the likes of Madonna would be attending the wedding), let Aunty Titilayo know. And she would have no qualms distributing these items during the reception, no matter the crowd.
Iya Buki - she is also known as Mama Silk. She has no problem covering the entire Trafalgar Square with yards and yards of silk. If you need her to lay a red carpet on the road from Heathrow Airport to Buckingham Palace, that would simply be like asking her for a throw pillow on your living room couch. She can also give the London Bridge the ‘Breadfruit Effect', which is what she does with balloons at events.
Ronke - she is the Change Agent. People need to ‘spray' the newlyweds with money during their first dance and that is where she comes in. Forget the fact that the Royal Family is wealthy; you British should learn to show off a little bit. Ronke's job is to break your large notes to manageable smaller crisp pounds sterling notes. If you need to break a hundred to fives, her charge is two percent - you need to be quick on mental arithmetic or Ronke will show you that Balogun Street is smarter than Broad Street.
Mama Ngozi - Emotion Generator. What does she do? Ah, she is very important; she whips up emotions during wedding speeches. Something like, "I wish Sister Diana was alive to see this William her son on this beautiful day...boohoohoo." And before you know it, everybody is crying and donating their houses and cars to William and Kate without thinking twice.
Uncle Bankole - The Wine Merchant. You people's plan is to serve wine in glasses and calculate how much each glass costs? That is not how we do it in Lagos, please. Leave this matter to Uncle Bankole, who will give each and every one of the invited guests as many bottles of the most expensive wine on earth as they can drink. Beer, champagne, brandy and other kinds or drinks will be distributed in cartons by his boys. As we used to say in Ekpoma, don't count the people on a table, count the bottles.
Iya Bose - Chef Extraordinaire. This woman here can cook jollof rice and fried meat that will send an aroma from the British Isles to the Isle of Pigs. For the vegetarians among you, she has Lagos Special Salad. I must warn you that our salads are full meals, not appetizers, please. As for the wedding cake, she has already designed one of Buckingham Palace, with William and Kate sitting on the roof.
Meet Pastor Adeboye. He will pray for the royal family and cast out all those generational curses that may have plagued the royal family since they looted arts and artefacts from Benin Kingdom.
Pastor Kumuyi will pray for the Middletons and abate their fears in case they are nervous about their daughter's future. You know our people say inhabitants fear ordinary lizards in a house where snakes bite.
Pastor Chris will pray for the newlyweds. His acquired accent is the only one the youngsters can understand.
Did you ask who will pay for all this? The federal government of Nigeria, of course. We all delivered our wards and constituencies during the presidential election.
Coiled out of 234next.com
by:- Victor Ehikhamenor
